


Lost Jems

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:27:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22274050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: James Madison, well, dies. And that did not go down well with Thomas. (Modern-day au)
Relationships: Thomas Jefferson/James Madison
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'll add relationships (maybe) and characters as it goes on. Anyway, enjoy!

Thomas leaned back in his chair and sighed. He was halfway through his tall pile of homework, and he was pretty impressed that he'd managed to do that much. He rubbed his eyes and glanced at the clock. 12:35. He wondered absently where his roommate, James was. Knowing James, Thomas assumed he was at a late night book club or something. Maybe he fell asleep in the library. Maybe he got lost in Walmart.

Thomas's phone buzzed, and he considered not answering it. However, that idea vanished when he saw it was from James.

He picked it up and put it to his ear. "Look, Jemmy," he said, not even allowing his roommate to say anything. "You're great, but I can't pick you up every night. Where are you?"

An unfamiliar voice said, "I'm sorry, what?"

Frowning, Thomas said, "Who's this? Why are you calling from James' phone?"

"This is Alexander Hamilton, I go to your school."

"I know who you are," Thomas said suspiciously, remembering how they'd fought many times. "What do you want? Seriously, why are you calling from James' phone?"

"Umm… I suck at this. And… I'm so sorry?"

Instantly, Thomas dreaded what he was going to hear next. "W-what happened?" He stammered.

"Car crash. Bad. I'm sorry, but… I don't think he made it."

The phone slipped from Thomas' hands. He barely noticed. No… James was always there. He couldn't just be… gone. No… no….

He woke up in his own bed. He waited for James to explain what happened. James always knew exactly when Thomas needed an explanation, and now was one of those times.

But the explanation didn't come from James.

Thomas slowly opened his eyes to see his friend Aaron Burr flipping through a newspaper that he couldn't seem to focus on.

"Aaron?" Thomas groaned. "What are you doing here?"

Aaron dropped his newspaper and fumbled for words. "I- you- James- you passed out."

Thomas sat up and looked around. His roommate was nowhere to be found.

"Where's James?" He asked.

Aaron picked up his newspaper and tried to avoid the questions. "How are you feeling?"

"Where's James?" Thomas repeated, more demanding this time.

Aaron bit his lip, a nervous habit of his. "He's…."

Thomas stood up. "Where is he!"

"Dead!" Aaron yelled back. "He died!"

"No…." Thomas collapsed back onto the bed. The memories of last night came flooding back. 

"No…." He wished he'd never remembered. He wished he could just forget. He wished James was there.

"No…." Thomas became aware that he was leaning on Aaron, who was crying softly.

"I'm so sorry, Thomas," he whispered.

"No!" Thomas pushed himself to his feet and held onto the bookshelf for balance. "You don't get it. Nobody gets it! Goodbye!"

"Wait, Thomas!" Aaron jumped to his feet, but Thomas was already out the door.

Thomas didn't know where he was going. He just ran, aimlessly, down the street. He took a left, a right, another right, a left, a right….

He didn't know how long he was running. He didn't know how he got there, but he found himself at Alexander's house. He raised a hand to knock, then lowered it, then raised it again.

Finally, he decided he looked like a mess and was not presentable. He pushed thoughts of James away and instead replaced them with Alexander and Aaron. He built up anger against Aaron, for thinking that he even began to understand how Thomas felt. No one would ever get him! He dreamed of Alex. Alex would make it better. After Thomas became presentable. Then he would talk to Alex, and everything would be ok.

That's when he realized he was lost.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... poor Thomas....

Instinctively, Thomas reached for his phone. Normally, he would call James, but, well…. He hesitated, pushing thoughts of James away, not sure who to contact. His thinking was blurry from grief, so he called the first person who came to mind. Alex.

"Yeah?" Alex said, picking up almost immediately. "Thomas, are you ok?"

Thomas froze, not knowing what to say.

"Thomas? Are you there?"

Now Thomas' words came in a slur. "Idon'tknowwhereIampleasehelp!"

"Woah, woah, slow down! Take a deep breath." Thomas obeyed.

"I… I'm lost," he explained.

"Ok… what street are you on? I'll pick you up."

"Umm," Thomas looked around. He told Alex the street he was on, then hung up and sat down to wait.

Still avoiding thinking about James, Thomas turned his focus to how bad must look. He looked down at his clothes, which looked fine, and ran a hand through his messy hair. Unsure if he'd been crying, he wiped his face with a clean tissue that he found in his pocket. He tried not to think about how he only had tissues in case James got a cold.

A red sports car drove up to him, Alex in the driver's seat.

"Thomas?" Alex called. "Get in!"

Thomas hesitated, scared of what might happen. Eventually, he forced himself to obey and mindlessly buckled in.

After a few minutes of silent driving, Alex broke the silence. "Are you ok? You look horrible."

"I know," Thomas mumbled, barely audible. "I feel just as bad."

More silent driving. This time, Thomas broke the silence. "Who hit him?"

"What?"

"The car crash. Who was in the other car? Or did he drive into the curb or something?" Thomas hoped he didn't have to say who he was talking about. He didn't think he could say James' name yet.

Hesitating, Alex drummed his fingers on the wheel. He tried to avoid the question. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Alex, please."

Finally, he replied, "Me."

"What? Are you ok? How did he die but you're just- fine?" He tried to keep himself under control.

Alex waited till the next red light, then rolled up the sleeve of his sweatshirt. His arm was covered in a bandage, which was stained red from blood.

"What?" Thomas began to panic. "Then why are you driving? I can drive!"

"No," Alex said strictly. "You're… emotionally unstable."

"And you're physically unstable!"

"No, Tom. Please, I'm fine."

Thomas stopped immediately. Tom. That was what James always called him. Tom or Tommy.

Closing his eyes, Thomas took a long, deep breath.

Don't cry, he thought. Don't cry.

They drove in silence. Finally, Alex decided to tell Thomas the story.

"We actually got in the crash around 8:00. I don't really remember much… I woke up around 11:30. I got out of my car, which was on its side. I managed to figure out what happened. It was… fairly hard to get him out of his car, but I did it. I checked the pulse and…."

"There wasn't one," Thomas whispered.

"No, there was," Alex corrected. "I woke him up, but I knew… he wasn't going to make it."

Silence.

Finally, Thomas gathered the courage to ask, "Did he say anything?"

"Yeah," Alex said. "Um… 'Tell Thomas….'"

Thomas waited for a moment for him to continue before figuring out that he wasn't going to. "That's it?"

"I'm sorry. I wish I could've told you more. But that's it."

"How did nobody find you sooner?" Thomas carefully kept his voice steady.

Alex didn't seem to hear the question. He slowed down the car and looked around.

"Alex?" Thomas said. "What is it?"

Alex groaned and slammed the wheel in frustration. "I feel like a jerk now, but I don't know where the heck we are."

Thomas hesitantly reached for his phone. "I could call Aaron…."

"Aaron? Aaron Burr? I don't think so."

"What? Why not?"

"We had an… argument recently," Alex explained. "I just don't think he would help me."

"Well, it's worth a shot." Thomas tapped Aaron's name and put the phone up to his ear.

"Hey, Thomas," Aaron said.

"Thomas," Alex said.

"Hey, Aaron," Thomas said, ignoring Alex. "So, I need some help."

"You're lost," Aaron guessed.

"Uh, yeah."

"Thomas," Alex said again, more urgently.

"May I ask why you're in a red sports car that is definitely not yours with your enemy?"

"How did you-"

Alex yanked the phone out of Thomas' hands, forcing him to look at him.

"Aaron is right there!" Alex pointed out where Aaron was watching them, leaning on the wall of an apartment, phone to his ear. He waved, looking amused.

Alex gave Thomas' phone back, rolling his eyes. Thomas was briefly reminded of their past fights, before returning to the task at hand.

Thomas stumbled out of the car, off balance.

"Aaron, what are you doing here?" He asked.

Frowning, Aaron replied, "Are you serious?"

"Uh, yes?"

Now Aaron got concerned. "Thomas… this is our apartment building." He gestured to the building he was leaning on.

Thomas looked up. "Oh…."

"Are you ok?" Aaron asked.

Alex, hopping out of his car, said to Thomas, ignoring Aaron, "Do you need anything?"

Aaron raised his eyebrows, glancing from Alex to Thomas, then back to Alex.

"Um, I think I'm good."

"Good. See you around. Or, actually, do you know how to get to my place?"

Aaron took a tissue and a pen out of his pocket, and scribbled down directions to get to Alex's.

"Wait, you actually know?" Alex said, surprised. "How?"

Aaron shrugged, handing the tissue to Alex. "You live right next to Starbucks."

"Riiight," Alex said slowly. "Well, bye, then." Alex left, leaving Thomas and Aaron alone.

"So, Thomas, you like Alex now," Aaron pointed out.

"Umm, I guess," Thomas said. "Can we go inside?"

"Of course. Do you need help?"

"Maybe. I dunno. Where's my apartment?"

"You need help," Aaron decided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter. Next (and last) is gonna be the funeral. Angst?


	3. Chapter 3

Two weeks passed. Thomas dealt with grief by overloading himself with work. He refused to have a spare moment in the day, for fear he'd break down and not be able to get up again. He woke up half an hour before school started, so he would be rushed to get ready. Time at school that wasn't filled with work was filled instead with his own writing. As soon as he got to his apartment, he did homework/random work until he passed out from exhaustion.

Repeat.

James' stuff was left untouched, because Thomas couldn't bring himself to look at it without feeling a stab of emotion.

Aaron and Alex were obviously worried about him. Thomas insisted every day that he was fine. Not only to Aaron and Alex, but to himself as well. He lied to himself and his friends to avoid his grief. He knew it wouldn't last forever, but he ignored that fact.

It worked. At least, Thomas told himself it worked. He never cried, never even mourned. He pretended it never happened.

Until that couldn't work.

Thomas stared down at his dreaded math homework. He looked up as someone knocked on his door.

"Come in," he called.

Aaron stepped inside the room and wordlessly handed Thomas a slip of paper.

Thomas took the hint that now was not the time to talk. Silently, he took the slip of paper. He skimmed over it, and placed it down on his desk, his hands trembling.

"Maybe," he whispered, forcing himself to stay calm. "Maybe."

Aaron nodded and left. Thomas hurriedly turned his mind back to the not-so-dreaded-anymore math.

He didn't think about how he'd be at James' funeral in less than a week. As always, he refused to let a single thought related to James' death cross his mind.

Thomas took a trip with Alex to the funeral. Alex had explained to him that the red sports car wasn't his- it was his adopted father's. He only used it because he wrecked his in the crash. Thomas didn't think about that.

"Are you ready?" Alex asked Thomas. "Be honest, please."

It had always been hard to get Thomas to talk about his feelings- only James had been able to do it. But now it was practically impossible.

"Yeah, I'm ready."

Alex nodded slowly. 

They drove in silence. Finally, Alex drove into the parking lot of a rather large church. The parking lot was filled.

Thomas hesitantly opened the door of the car and got out. For a moment, he felt overwhelmed. He couldn't do this. There was no way he could do this.

Alex must've noticed the panicked expression on Thomas' face, cause he said, "Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah," Thomas said, voice wavering slightly. He forced his voice to keep steady, and tried again "I'm fine."

Alex kept pace with Thomas, even though Thomas was moving slowly to make the time before he had to face this longer. 

Again, when Alex opened the door for Thomas, he felt overwhelmed. He couldn't do this, he couldn't do this, he couldn't-

"Thomas, go in," Alex said impatiently. Thomas tore himself from his thoughts and went inside, Alex close behind.

There were too many people… all here for James… it had to be real… it couldn't be….

"Thomas!" Aaron whisper-yelled. He and Alex exchanged a worried look.

Sliding into the pew with Aaron and Alex, Thomas again had to force himself to think about something else. However, he had nobody else to think about.

A girl stepped up to give the eulogy. She briefly introduced herself and her connection to James- mother. The only words that Thomas caught were: "Thomas Jefferson was supposed to give this speech… he was unavailable…."

Oh gosh, he thought. He was supposed to give the speech. Out of everybody James knew, he was the closest, he knew him most, he was his closest friend James had… and he was a terrible friend….

"Thomas," Alex hissed, pulling him back into reality.

Thomas found his cheeks were wet, he was trembling, he couldn't focus….

"James Madison was a great boy," the girl said.

Nothing really mattered to Thomas. The girl's words seared themselves into his brain, forcing him to think about them. He didn't deserve James… no one deserved James….

"He was a great writer, unstoppable when he worked with others."

Thomas remembered when James partnered with Alex and John Jay. The essays they wrote for debate class easily won. Yet, Thomas couldn't remember a single time James had worked with him. He was a worse friend than Alex, and Alex had teased him mercilessly about his medicine.

"He was kind, compassionate, and loved those who seemed unlovable."

Oh gosh… how did James even put up with him? He was unlovable, the girl just said so! And yet James loved him, he was sure… but how sure was he really?

"And we will never forget him."

Those words brought Thomas back to life. Slowly, he stopped shaking. Never forget, never forget, echoed in his brain.

Never forget….

Alex and Aaron were leaning over him, concerned. They were talking… he thought… what were they saying?

Never forget….

"It's ok, Thomas…" Alex was saying. "It's ok…."

Never forget….

"He loved you," Aaron said. "He had always loved you…."

Never forget….

"What…" Thomas barely remembered how to form words. "Happened…."

Never forget….

"It's ok… we'll get you home… it'll be ok…."

Never forget….

"Don't forget this, Thomas. This is important. Don't forget."

Then he woke up.

"James!" He yelled. He was vaguely aware of someone, very near him. "James!"

"It's ok…. Aaron, remember? It's ok…."

"James!"

Finally, Thomas could focus on Aaron and Alex. He was in his own bed, the other two on either side of him.

"Thomas, calm down!" Alex said.

"Oh…." Thomas remembered the last night. "What happened?"

"You passed out," Aaron explained. "We're not sure why."

"We think you have been trying not to think about… him… and when you were forced to, the grief finally hit you."

"That's probably right." Thomas leaned back on the wall, barely aware of beads of sweat slipping off his forehead. "Oh gosh…."

"Are you ok?" Aaron asked.

"No…." Thomas moaned truthfully. The other two exchanged a glance. "I feel terrible, because James is… he's just gone… I know he was always sick, and sometimes it felt like he would never get better, but he was always there… he was always there… and now he's not…."

"It's ok," Alex said soothingly. He scooted closer to Thomas and allowed him to cry into his shoulder.

"Just remember," Aaron whispered. "That's all. Just remember."

A year later, things were almost back to normal. When Aaron and Alex asked Thomas if he was ok, and he said yes, he was only kinda lying. He would never be totally ok. James was irreplaceable. There would always be something missing in Thomas' life. But now it was less obvious. Now he didn't have to overload himself with work to keep from sobbing. He felt better.

And oddly enough, all it took was to remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of fanfic. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
